HITLER'S SECRET WEAPON

By Ryan Garns

AdolfHitler has signed on.
DrSteinitz has signed on.

DrSteinitz: Mein Führer?
DrSteinitz: Mein Führer, are you there?
DrSteinitz: Type into sie keypad, bitte.
AdolfHitler: Hallo.
DrSteinitz: Ah! It works! Guten Tag, Mein Führer.
AdolfHitler: Was is das?
DrSteinitz: You wanted to know what we have been working on in our research laboratory. This is a demonstration of our latest development.
AdolfHitler: Can you read what I am typing?
DrSteinitz: Ja! We are having a conversation now. This is our secret weapon to win sie war, Mein Führer.
DrSteinitz: YOUR secret weapon.
AdolfHitler: Interesting.
DrSteinitz: It allows us to send messages instantly to each other over a communication network.
AdolfHitler: Communication network? You mean like a series of tubes?
DrSteinitz: Yes. If you wish.
DrSteinitz: What do you think?
AdolfHitler: Nein, we already have Morse code.
DrSteinitz: Ja, but this is much faster.
DrSteinitz: Und can Morse code do this?
AdolfHitler: How did you do that?
DrSteinitz: You like that? Das ist a little smiley face. We even made it look like der Führer mit der little mustache, ja?
AdolfHitler: Ja, das ist gut.
DrSteinitz: One of our engineers thought of it when he discovered that when you type in a colon and a right parenthesis it looks like a little smiley face lying on its side.
DrSteinitz: He is one of our brightest engineers.
AdolfHitler: It looks just like me. Except for the smiling.
DrSteinitz: We can remove the smile if you wish, Mein Führer.
AdolfHitler: How will this win sie war for Deutschland?
DrSteinitz: This new weapon allows our military to communicate more quickly on sie field, ja? Enemy coordinates, attack orders... all can be sent instantly.
DrSteinitz: This technology ist decades ahead of our enemies, Mein Führer.

Heydrich has signed on.

Heydrich: Hallo.
DrSteinitz: Ah, hallo! Reinhard Heydrich has joined us to demonstrate the integrated conference feature!
AdolfHitler: Hallo, Reinhard. Can you see what I am typing?
Heydrich: Ja, Mein Führer.
AdolfHitler:
DrSteinitz: Das ist gut, Mein Führer!
Heydrich: Mein Führer, I bring you news. Our spies indicate that the Americans are working on a bomb based on nuclear fission. If successful, it will be capable of destroying entire cities.
AdolfHitler: Do we have anything like that in sie works, Steinitz?
AdolfHitler: Steinitz?
AdolfHitler: Steinitz, are you there?
DrSteinitz: Hold on, bitte.
DrSteinitz: Ja. I'm afraid we have no such bomb in sie works, Mein Führer. We have been busy beta testing new smiley faces.
AdolfHitler: Schweinhund! You will be dead by nightfall.
DrSteinitz: haha
DrSteinitz: It's hard to tell when you're joking over this machine.
DrSteinitz: When we joke in the lab, we use "/sarc" to signify a joke.
DrSteinitz: Mein Führer, are you there?

AdolfHitler has signed out.

DrSteinitz: Heydrich, ist der Führer mad?

Heydrich has signed out.