For most, there is no crueler day of the calendar year than that of Valentine's Day. While a tiny fraction of the population can look forward to a holiday of wine and roses, poetry and song, the vast majority of us can anticipate a day of nausea and grimacing, trauma and grief. A day in which minutes seem like hours, and hours like days, as we reflect sorrowfully on yesteryear's romantic indignities, today's loneliness, and the unknowable but certain heartbreak that will be visited upon us repeatedly in the years to come.
When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And now, Despair Inc. is pleased to announce that we've combined BOTH into a radical new offering. Introducing Bittersweets® - The Valentine's Candy for the Rest of Us.
Like the ubiquitous candy conversation hearts, Bittersweets® are made of flavored, chalky-tasting sugar and sport a message on their face. But unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were. Messages recalling an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your valentine solicitations, informing you that Jake (or Holly) was "so totally way hotter. "Now available in THREE unique collections- "Dejected", "Dysfunctional", and "Dumped"- with each featuring up to 37 unique sayings each!
Truly, Bittersweets® are the perfect gift for you OR for someone you love, especially if that special someone is one who doesn't want to hurt your feelings but just doesn't feel that way about you but still wants to be friends so they can torment you with stories about their crushes on someone who doesn't appreciate them like you do, can't love them like you can, and actually takes pleasure in corralling a herd of fawning "just friends" behind themselves as they indulge in one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of ever finding true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them.
(You know what we're talking about.)
Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be. Available in six different flavors, including: Banana Chalk, Grape Dust, Nappy-Citric, You-Call-This-Lime?, Pink Sand and Fossilized Antacid.
BitterSweets - Dysfunctional
37 biting barbs for stirring up the bile in toxic relationships of all kinds, including
"NO FIX 4 DUMB",
"SUB PRIME",
"GAME ON TV",
"PAROLE IS UP!",
"RETURN TO PIT", and
"BOOTY INFL8N".
Bittersweets - Dumped
Dumped offers 37 brutal kissoffs including
"U LEFT SEATUP",
"BACK 2 KENNEL",
"I GOT SOBER",
"CELIB8 THX2U",
"CALL A 900#" and
"RUSSIAN BRIDE".
BitterSweets - Dejected
37 depressing sayings for those spending Valentine's Day alone and in a state of self-flagellation, including
"LOSS LEADER",
"SETTLE 4 LESS?",
"TABLE FOR 1",
"I CRY ON Q" and
"DIGNITY FREE".
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