Thursday, September 24, 2009

How to take a wife: According to the Bible

How to take a wife: According to the Bible

See among the captives a beautiful woman, and have a desire for her and would take her as a wife for yourself, then you shall shave her head and trim her nails. She shall also remove her clothes and shall remain in your house, and you may go in to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. You then own her.
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the Lord said to Hosea, “Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and have children of harlotry.” (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a prostitute and marry her.

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Moreover, along with this land, I have traded for Ruth the Moabitess, the widow of Mahlon, to be my wife. (Ruth 4:5-10)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.

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The sons of Benjamin took wives according to their number from those who danced, whom they carried away. (Judges 21:19-25)

Pick the dancer you like.

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David struck down two hundred men among the Philistines. Then David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. So Saul gave him Michal his daughter for a wife. (I Samuel 18:27)

Cut off 200 foreskins of soldiers to get a wife.

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They gather every beautiful young virgin to the citadel of Susa, to the harem, and let their cosmetics be given them. Then let the young lady who pleases the king be queen in place of Vashti. (Esther 2:3)

Hold a beauty contest, and pick your favorite.

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So he came back and told his father and mother, “I saw a woman in Timnah, one of the daughters of the Philistines; now therefore, get her for me as a wife.” (Judges 14:2)

Spot a woman you like, and demand your parents get her for you.

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David arose from his bed and walked around on the roof of the king’s house, and from the roof he saw a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful in appearance. David sent messengers and took her, and when she came to him, he lay with her; she became his wife; then she bore him a son. (2 Samuel 11)

Snoop on her bathing, send your henchmen to take her.

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